6/100: a curious question, not a hello

i love this one, because i, like nora, have had the same thoughts around the sincerity of both the question and answer. if i am asking, i want to know. and i’ve received weird and repelled looks many times when i’ve answered honestly, and they didn’t truly mean it.

i am, currently, inspired. i remember learning spanish in college, and learning the difference between past imperfect and past preterite tense (which, i never formally learned in english) — i’m rambling now, but what i mean to say is, i’m inspired in this moment, not as an ongoing state of being. yet, as i ponder this, maybe i am.

i feel like i fluctuate from inspired and riven, passionate and excited to neutral, distracted..

starting over (i feel like i was writing to share?) i am.. inspired. still the word i’m choosing. i almost feel like a fraud, saying that, because when i imagine “inspired”, it feels more active. like i should have a buzzing in my body and a quick heart. like passion and excitement pour out of me and i’m eager to take action. but it doesn’t feel like that. i do feel inspired, but more in the background, passive, as a foundation. i feel grateful for that now, as i know it won’t last forever.

it feels more passive, like a slow beating of my heart. like a metronome, reminding my thoughts and actions that we are marching. ever forward, but at no quick pace. it feels like waking up with a smile, and noticing the silhouette art in front of me, created by the rising sun and domineering ivy covering much of our bedroom windows. it feels like. a remembering of my own capabilities, a want to show them off to the world. like i have so much to share and i finally feel worthy of doing so.

i guess i feel a lot of other things, too. like pressure to do things the way others do, or on their timeline. a worry i’m not doing things the “best” way. a bit of fear that someone else is doing it better or that my own timing isn’t auspicious enough. fear that my lack of a concrete schedule is costing me. but honestly, at the moment, those other feelings are smaller, quieter. less intrusive. and i don’t want my attention on them.

right now, i am capable and courageous. i am smart and creative and committed. a slow and steady walk through a park. although, i will say i’m alone. and maybe that doesn’t feel so loud because i’m used to it. but i do wish for that to change. i wish there were people beside me, cheering me on, highlighting my natural gifts, celebrating me. asking questions, offering answers, collaborating with me. the journey is mine but i’ve been missing company for a while now. i am calling in soul family to bring more joy to the journey.

for background info, check out 100 days of journaling: intro